oooo I saw them touching

To the four people who read this blog: is it just me, or is life in general just strange lately?
rami and jhoni's grandfathers both died this week, my high school friend has leukemia, I might lose a roommate which sucks, it hasn't even been addressed to me yet, which sucks more than the subject at hand, I went to a gay club tonight, I had drinks with my bosses and coworkers (odd!), and this new lady I works at my counter blows more chunks than I did on the side of the road earlier tonight, and the lack of girlships due to this no AC/hot water trend that is growing rapidly through Atlanta (at least we were the first to do it.) (I actually don't know of anyone else missing AC and/or hot water, but it's a lovely thought to think our house started a trend as dumb as that one!)

I haven't spoken to Johnny a in a few years, but it really breaks my heart that this kid has leukemia. It's been said that he has less than a year to live. It never really hit me until now that people I know have a chance at dying. Especially people my age.

I really love working with chess. That's his name, and he's pretty feisty. Nothing he says is true until the 3rd go-round. That's what I love most about him; he's helped my ability to make others believe my lies....And I'm a horrible liar. With chess by my side, I can say anything and he will back it up. My parents are the 16th in line to visit the shelter on the moon. It's believable if he backs me up. We went to kelly (my boss' boss)'s baby shower tonight, and her and her fiance made us all drink. I kept laughing in my head at how dumb some people act. I felt really sick, so chess took me home. We made it out of the driveway and I got out of the car and puked up so much, 3 times over. I puked on my shoe, and wiped it off in the grass. I really don't like drinking, I like the feeling of having one drink, but overall, I could without it all. I like to feel in control of my body and what I say and do. Thankfully I still have control over my actions, excluding my increase in bathroom trips, or I'd be some form of a hooch.

It's morgan's 11th birthday right now and I'm going to head home soon. We are going tubing tomorrow in Helen with a few of her little friends. A DARK t-shirt will be worn by me, for it is not yet time to unveil the tattoo that lies upon my backeth.

I went to a gay club with chess before he took me home, and I felt so strange. I mean, I hang out with gay guys every day. But I've never been pushing my way through a tough crowd of regular to the not-so-regular looking dudes, knowing that half are attracted to the other half...and none are remotely attracted to my sexy bod.

Last night, Mick and I were heading home from stabler's grandparents house...And we saw a cop beat someone. I was completely shocked at what my eyes were seeing. Of course my eyeballs were amazed at seeing someone get arrested, but I defiantly didn't expect to see that first fist...or the second. I talked to my creepy mall cop friend today on my break about it, and he said, and I quote, "heck yeah that's legal! He probably kicked him in the balls, or something."

massage parlors

I'll start this post off by saying that my foot felt a tickle upon it. I looked down to find Roachy McRoach staring me in the face. Unlike the last roach outbreak in my room, I was able to smash the sucker to smithereens before he had a chance to get away. Hopefully Roachy McRoach was the same one hiding in my closet, because I really don't want to find it in my shoe or dress pocket. Pockets in dresses are great inventions. Not that I put items in there, I just find it comforting for my hands to find a resting place.

This house is crazy for the moment being. We've had neither air conditioning nor hot water for a week and a half, due to the flood of America last Wednesday. No one wants to sleep here, can't blame them, can you? I wake up sticky and hot, and there is nothing but a cold wash cloth to cleanse me. I'd rather not shower than take an ice coldy. I tried to earlier this week but squealed jumped right out because it was unbearable. Our landlord is a newbie, meaning he isn't prompt on the things we need the most, especially in a time of near death experiences such as this one.

I've got a better grasp on my sadness and I'm trying to overcome it. I've been pushed away, in a sense, because I'm not on my funniest behavior and no one really wants to be around that. It's completely understandable, but avoiding someone in a time of near-depression is a doubled edged sword: it's when I need love the most. Our bible study tonight was a true blessing. All of us girls are struggling right now, and we really opened up with one another. In past studies, we try to get through our booklet as fast as possible so we can talk about trivial things. Tonight we talked about each others spiritual gifts, reminding me that I do have great qualities that others see in me, which are impossible to see when I live in an insecure state of mind. I'm encouraging, faithful, giving. Wonderful qualities I would love to strengthen. We deeply spoke about our problems; the decisions we need to make, the directions we need to go, the loneliness, the sadness we all feel. It was so wonderful being surrounded around women of the Lord who were there to listen, encourage and advise me. I was assured that there's nothing seriously wrong with me. Each one admitted that they have been in my low state before, and it just took growing up and awareness of themselves to mature into who they are right now. How inspiring and helpful for me to hear! I'll be okay one day, I will.

there is a p.s.

i've been wondering lately if i am bipolar. there is something about me that isn't right. it's sometimes visible to my friends, but i try to keep it private because i really don't want anyone to see the crazy side of me, plus, i don't really have the words to explain what goes on inside me. i just don't understand how i can be so happy (say, over a candle-lit dinner made with love) but if one thing is said or isn't done in my favor, i drop the smiles and don't feel the desire to talk the rest of the evening. it's what i do. i don't know why i do it. i don't want to. i'll get frustrated inside myself because i want the mood to be over; i want to be laughing again. i want to feel carefree and young again, which i haven't felt in a long time and i fear that i am growing up into a boring 20 something year old. i've always been this way. in high school, i never felt included, as many friends as i had. everyone has that one special bond- i never have that best friend or boyfriend to give me the simple attention that i want. i hate that i require attention- not much, just a simple one-on-one conversation. i don't feel complete in groups. other's words are overpowering. a lot of my friends that see me on a regular basis SEE this side of me, which is embarrassing, but at the same time, i'd rather them see ME, than have me hiding in my room with no one to talk to about the problems i can't even explain in words. so i require attention, which scares me. i don't want to be a chore to those around me. i don't want to be on their to-do checklist for their day. it isn't fair for anyone to walk on eggshells around me. i just don't know what to do. as i said above, this transparent problem has been with me since high school...i don't know if i should have dealt with it then, maybe seeking counseling, but i assumed all my faults would grow out as my bones grew up. that didn't happen. i'm the same person i've always been. happy, sad/ loud, quiet.

the most uncomfortable thought is that i will wake up tomorrow and have a great day. i mean, great days are good to have, but but where do these thoughts and feelings go on the good days?

p.s. i wore a thong today. a thong that nikki lipske gave me in 11th grade for christmas, a tuesday thong that once belonged with the rest of the week.
p.p.s. i will never wear a thong again.

no papers, only silvers

although i get out of my house fairly often, tonight was my first official time going out to get my face around to get really rediciously famous. my personal agent and friend, lesley, told me i have to get my face around town, so i can conquer atlanta, before i move on to bigger and better. i hung out with some kids from new hampshire every day for a week last summer, and they came to town to play a show, so of course i went. don't get me wrong- my objective wasn't slowly inching to stardom; i went to see my ole pals, but i still could smell hollywood. who am i kidding? i'll never be famous.

i kinda want to be a singer for a band. friend o lesley, could you teach me to sing instead?

last night i went and hung out with alex darling and bethy. i really like alex, she's staying in atlanta for 3 months, unless she weds an american lad. we ran outside on howell mill to play in the dangerous hurricane flood. i loved life right then and there. i thought i was smart by changing into some of jake's pj clothes so i could get back into my dry clothes afterward. what kind of idiot forgets to take her bra and undies off? this kind of idiot. i spent the rest of our evening in a bathrobe hoping my garments would dry.

there was a very endearing card resting on my bed, waiting for my anxious hands to open it and googley eyes to read it. it was so thoughtful, thank you.
i'm growing happy and learning to be content with what i have.
i get so sad some times because i'm not what i want to be and not where i want to be, but you know what? suck it. because what's the good in waiting to become something when you can be everything you want right now.