i've been wondering lately if i am bipolar. there is something about me that isn't right. it's sometimes visible to my friends, but i try to keep it private because i really don't want anyone to see the crazy side of me, plus, i don't really have the words to explain what goes on inside me. i just don't understand how i can be so happy (say, over a candle-lit dinner made with love) but if one thing is said or isn't done in my favor, i drop the smiles and don't feel the desire to talk the rest of the evening. it's what i do. i don't know why i do it. i don't want to. i'll get frustrated inside myself because i want the mood to be over; i want to be laughing again. i want to feel carefree and young again, which i haven't felt in a long time and i fear that i am growing up into a boring 20 something year old. i've always been this way. in high school, i never felt included, as many friends as i had. everyone has that one special bond- i never have that best friend or boyfriend to give me the simple attention that i want. i hate that i require attention- not much, just a simple one-on-one conversation. i don't feel complete in groups. other's words are overpowering. a lot of my friends that see me on a regular basis SEE this side of me, which is embarrassing, but at the same time, i'd rather them see ME, than have me hiding in my room with no one to talk to about the problems i can't even explain in words. so i require attention, which scares me. i don't want to be a chore to those around me. i don't want to be on their to-do checklist for their day. it isn't fair for anyone to walk on eggshells around me. i just don't know what to do. as i said above, this transparent problem has been with me since high school...i don't know if i should have dealt with it then, maybe seeking counseling, but i assumed all my faults would grow out as my bones grew up. that didn't happen. i'm the same person i've always been. happy, sad/ loud, quiet.
the most uncomfortable thought is that i will wake up tomorrow and have a great day. i mean, great days are good to have, but but where do these thoughts and feelings go on the good days?
p.s. i wore a thong today. a thong that nikki lipske gave me in 11th grade for christmas, a tuesday thong that once belonged with the rest of the week.
p.p.s. i will never wear a thong again.
2 comments:
christy. you know i know you. im glad i do. i know when you are like this. i wish that you would try to talk when i ask. you are not a chore. i care for you. when i ask what the problem is, i want to know. i dont want to hear that you dont want to talk about it.
i love you.
lady lady.
i know EXACTLY the feeling you are talking about. but i dont think you are bipolar. at all. i think a lot of people get this way.
if i (feel) not included in something, i immediately get this sulky head feeling and i crawl into a hole that isnt there. and i end up not talking to anyone the rest of the time. its like this mood that instantly comes over me. and i just want to go home.
today at this bridal shower i realized all the youngerish girls my age(though most didnt know each other)..had gotten together with the future bride(friend of 18yrs) for a picture..and i realized i hadnt been called over..and i instantly preteneded like i didnt see them doing it, and started playing with my fingers and just went into ultra shy sour mode. i even was about to walk out the door without saying goodbye..
anyways.. im just saying you're not alone.
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