nipples & pimples

will i ever get to sleep tonight?
it's 3 am and i still have two drawings left to do. i'm such a horrible student this year, i skip so many classes. but at the same time- my work is going to be in the high musuem? how can God bless me for skipping class twice a week? i really don't understand why dongoski is displaying 4 of our works in his performance. i don't get him. i can't wait to see what his "work" is all about. i researched him online tonight when i was taking a break from painting masks to look exact....he's all over google. my brain is going crazy and i'm just letting these words come out of me and i am not even reading what i am writing. lucid technology. that show will be sunday. my mom is coming and i think sam and leslo are too. cool. my throat hurts. i remember that i shared time with a sickling last night but i don't remember sharing drinks. it's late. my 12 sneezes are just now starting. that happens sometimes at night. i sneeze a lot. nope, that was just two. false alarm. really, my throat hurts. maybe i could use that as an excuse as to why i cant make it to figure drawing tomorrow. i haven't done those assignments. i gotta stop this. i really can't help it though because all my weekend time is at work and there is no way i'm doing homework on school nights. i never have. unless it was math homework or something due the next class...but if it's due monday, i'll do it sunday. good grief, i'm writing crazy. tiffany came to town riding on a pony, we had a great great time and now she is my new friend. a few of us stayed up realllllllly late, as in 6 am, watching some sexy vampire movie. some of my best jokes were made last night. the lead actor had craters all over his face and back. "nipples and pimples"

new jeans. new eyeshadow. it's sad that i get excited about those things. why can't i get excited about................something life changing? actually, i got a bit ahead of myself in excitement when i was looking at benefitcosmetics.com and they are looking for artists in UK and Down Under. i want to go. i never will. it scares me. going alone. going at all! but i want to!
i could lucidly write until 3:30 but i really need to do these two more drawings.

serious concerns

I have a few things to say.

I've having a hard time understanding reality. When you're at a low point, do you see what is real; the true character in those around you? OR do you see things wrongly? When everyone is happy and having fun, you don't have room in your brain to see anyone's less flattering attributes.

so I've lost a few friends because I've been having a mental breakdown inside. For the past few months my mind has been tearing itself to shreds, I've become extremely sensitive, selfish and recluse. I feel abandoned and on my own in all situations. I'm really lonely for love. I wish I knew what REALLY is matter with me, but sometimes you don't know until it's over. God is working with me, and it's a tough process, but I have complete faith that I will be a better human and Christian when this is over with. Friends are aware that I'm battling a war in my head, some backed away, but thankfully, others came forward. It's in my best interest to surround myself with friends who bring me up...I'm not saying the others bring me down, but I wasn't growing in any way shape or form. Spiritual growth is the only thing I need right now and I can't have anything keeping me stagnant.

I may be selfish, but I really have to look after myself right now. I've not always been a selfish being. I opened my bed to you for over a month and had no problem with it whatsoever, in fact, I loved it. Don't call me selfish because I am at a low point trying to figure things out! Don't call me selfish because I don't feel like sharing clothes. I know that they are really meaningless material items that wont even come with me to Heaven, and i hate myself for getting so agrivated over something so petty, but the fact that it's my peeve and it was continously taken advantage of...that gives me reason to feel disrespected. And most importantly, don't think I am selfish because I don't hang out anymore. I am trying to fix me and if I just so happen to feel uncomfortable in a certain setting, then I'm not going to put myself there. I've got to build myself back up to the loving person i once was, and that is not selfish. At least respect me for that.

she was a great friend, but slowly she brought me down. I had a crush on someone and she leaned over and told me that he'd end up liking this other girl. So it may have happened? So what. As a friend, you don't crash a crush. And then there was the time three guys hit on three girls..."They wouldn't hit on girls like me and Christy" thanks, really, for indirectly putting down the way I look.


I changed my password only for Nicole's sake. I don't want to break your brother's heart anymore than it already is.

I really don't know what's going to happen. I may lose you forever. That isn't what I want, but I can't say it wont happen that way. This situation runs through my brain 50 times a day and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if it's worth fixing because nothing ever goes back to the way it was.

pittsburgh Steelers & shoplifters

2 in one day? no way. yes way.
i do not like today. it's turned out to be a sucky day.
ray lamontagne was sold out. sold out. the one thing i've been looking forward to. i stood outside for magical tickets from harry potter, but so was everyone else.
i have so much anger built up inside and i'm starting to not trust anyone.
i don't trust anyone at work which is pretty much where my friends are right now since i'm there so much. i don't like a woman i work with and she pretty much told me in our "we need to work things out" conversation that she's not the only one who talks bad about me. how freaking rude and uncalled for is that?! now, i think she's lying to me to make herself look better from talking crap about me...but it's got me all insecure now. to make matters worse, everything is rocky on the regular life i lead outside of work. i'm starting to really dislike a friend and i'm trying really hard to pray that God will take those feelings away from my brain. i want to like them. i feel like i'm in the middle of a town i shouldn't be in the middle of. i'm in a new friendship and it wont go past small talk on both ends. i really wish i could be in crush with someone; i wish someone would crush back. it makes me feel pretty and normal. and i'm really sad that ro has never bought groceries and she's "lived" here since may.
i'm not sure if i'm getting real friendships back and that scares me.
i need to cry, but i can't get anything out. it's stuck inside my face.

allergic to sharkbites

i went swimming with jeff wooten, bradley, mick and three gay black ballerinas. not only was it my second time in a pool all summer, it was a lot of fun! i practically stayed in the deep in the whole time, which is really scary and a big step for an i-cant-swimmer. even more importantly, i jumped into the deep end. it's just so scary, i never feel like i'm coming up. i freak out underwater and search search search for the surface, no luck. and then when i think i'm about to die, my head pops up above surface. i'm alive!

bradley told us the story of how he lost his virginity. he was in new orleans and he cheated on his girlfriend laney. this girlfriend of his went to my old church...what a small world. anyway, bradley mentioned how disgusted he was that the girl's bra and panties didn't match...and made this particular hand motion that i'm assuming meant his boner went down. he was disgusted she had on white underwear and a brown bra!? are you kidding me? i didn't think real guys thought about those things. he should have been happy that she was hookin him up with some humping action, and less concerned about what she was or wasn't wearing.

this is my last week of summer and i'm trying to make it awesome to make up for all the sucky weeks i had. a lot of people have loved this summer, which makes me feel abnormally freaky for not liking this summer.


time in! as i was saying, i felt bad for not having a fun summer, and then i realized the possibilities of having a fun fall! i'm excited for school to start back, and to have routine in my life. my friendships are stronger during the school year. possibly because i don't have too much extra time on my hands so i try to make the most of what i have. but at the same time, these four months have made me forget what routine is like, so the idea of balancing school, a job, and friends boggles my mind!

lie sins & registration?

i've been thinking way too many thoughts about license photos lately. i'm scheduled for a new license photo op december 2006...but i am ready for a new one. the one i have now is from when i was 17, and it's not even my "funny" picture. my learners license could make it into a book that someone would sell on the front table at urban outfitters that would have "what were they thinking?" license pictures. that's actually a good idea for a coffee table book...i'll be so rich and spend my summers in japan hanging with my japa-friends and walking around town wearing one of my 5 airbrushed "see-through" skirts (pictured many entries prior to this one)

i'm assuming you've all seen sluts before, right? have you ever seen an animal (ex: deer, cat, pony, t-rex) freeze up in front of your car on the road; deer/cat/pony/t-rex in headlights? imagine a 16 year old girl, the wish-they-could look-like-a -hoe-to- attract-senior-guys kind of gal wearing a sheer purple shirt and sporting long highlighted hair and a lot of black eyeliner circling her eyelids. the flash was so bright; my face looked so greasy and my eyes were the size of pingpong balls.

everyone seems to play the "look at my license" game, and i wish wish WISH that was the picture i could show off. all i have is my lousy boring sweet girl photo with my hair pulled back and a huge smile on my face.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

a friend of mine played this game where he couldn't use the word "I" all day. he didn't last very long. it made me realize that almost every sentence out of my mouth is about me. i'm trying to work on that and talking about food less. the person writing this entry notices most when she meets new people that she, the person writing this entry, talks about food WAY too much, wondering if the new friend thinks she's a secret fatty.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

oooo I saw them touching

To the four people who read this blog: is it just me, or is life in general just strange lately?
rami and jhoni's grandfathers both died this week, my high school friend has leukemia, I might lose a roommate which sucks, it hasn't even been addressed to me yet, which sucks more than the subject at hand, I went to a gay club tonight, I had drinks with my bosses and coworkers (odd!), and this new lady I works at my counter blows more chunks than I did on the side of the road earlier tonight, and the lack of girlships due to this no AC/hot water trend that is growing rapidly through Atlanta (at least we were the first to do it.) (I actually don't know of anyone else missing AC and/or hot water, but it's a lovely thought to think our house started a trend as dumb as that one!)

I haven't spoken to Johnny a in a few years, but it really breaks my heart that this kid has leukemia. It's been said that he has less than a year to live. It never really hit me until now that people I know have a chance at dying. Especially people my age.

I really love working with chess. That's his name, and he's pretty feisty. Nothing he says is true until the 3rd go-round. That's what I love most about him; he's helped my ability to make others believe my lies....And I'm a horrible liar. With chess by my side, I can say anything and he will back it up. My parents are the 16th in line to visit the shelter on the moon. It's believable if he backs me up. We went to kelly (my boss' boss)'s baby shower tonight, and her and her fiance made us all drink. I kept laughing in my head at how dumb some people act. I felt really sick, so chess took me home. We made it out of the driveway and I got out of the car and puked up so much, 3 times over. I puked on my shoe, and wiped it off in the grass. I really don't like drinking, I like the feeling of having one drink, but overall, I could without it all. I like to feel in control of my body and what I say and do. Thankfully I still have control over my actions, excluding my increase in bathroom trips, or I'd be some form of a hooch.

It's morgan's 11th birthday right now and I'm going to head home soon. We are going tubing tomorrow in Helen with a few of her little friends. A DARK t-shirt will be worn by me, for it is not yet time to unveil the tattoo that lies upon my backeth.

I went to a gay club with chess before he took me home, and I felt so strange. I mean, I hang out with gay guys every day. But I've never been pushing my way through a tough crowd of regular to the not-so-regular looking dudes, knowing that half are attracted to the other half...and none are remotely attracted to my sexy bod.

Last night, Mick and I were heading home from stabler's grandparents house...And we saw a cop beat someone. I was completely shocked at what my eyes were seeing. Of course my eyeballs were amazed at seeing someone get arrested, but I defiantly didn't expect to see that first fist...or the second. I talked to my creepy mall cop friend today on my break about it, and he said, and I quote, "heck yeah that's legal! He probably kicked him in the balls, or something."

massage parlors

I'll start this post off by saying that my foot felt a tickle upon it. I looked down to find Roachy McRoach staring me in the face. Unlike the last roach outbreak in my room, I was able to smash the sucker to smithereens before he had a chance to get away. Hopefully Roachy McRoach was the same one hiding in my closet, because I really don't want to find it in my shoe or dress pocket. Pockets in dresses are great inventions. Not that I put items in there, I just find it comforting for my hands to find a resting place.

This house is crazy for the moment being. We've had neither air conditioning nor hot water for a week and a half, due to the flood of America last Wednesday. No one wants to sleep here, can't blame them, can you? I wake up sticky and hot, and there is nothing but a cold wash cloth to cleanse me. I'd rather not shower than take an ice coldy. I tried to earlier this week but squealed jumped right out because it was unbearable. Our landlord is a newbie, meaning he isn't prompt on the things we need the most, especially in a time of near death experiences such as this one.

I've got a better grasp on my sadness and I'm trying to overcome it. I've been pushed away, in a sense, because I'm not on my funniest behavior and no one really wants to be around that. It's completely understandable, but avoiding someone in a time of near-depression is a doubled edged sword: it's when I need love the most. Our bible study tonight was a true blessing. All of us girls are struggling right now, and we really opened up with one another. In past studies, we try to get through our booklet as fast as possible so we can talk about trivial things. Tonight we talked about each others spiritual gifts, reminding me that I do have great qualities that others see in me, which are impossible to see when I live in an insecure state of mind. I'm encouraging, faithful, giving. Wonderful qualities I would love to strengthen. We deeply spoke about our problems; the decisions we need to make, the directions we need to go, the loneliness, the sadness we all feel. It was so wonderful being surrounded around women of the Lord who were there to listen, encourage and advise me. I was assured that there's nothing seriously wrong with me. Each one admitted that they have been in my low state before, and it just took growing up and awareness of themselves to mature into who they are right now. How inspiring and helpful for me to hear! I'll be okay one day, I will.

there is a p.s.

i've been wondering lately if i am bipolar. there is something about me that isn't right. it's sometimes visible to my friends, but i try to keep it private because i really don't want anyone to see the crazy side of me, plus, i don't really have the words to explain what goes on inside me. i just don't understand how i can be so happy (say, over a candle-lit dinner made with love) but if one thing is said or isn't done in my favor, i drop the smiles and don't feel the desire to talk the rest of the evening. it's what i do. i don't know why i do it. i don't want to. i'll get frustrated inside myself because i want the mood to be over; i want to be laughing again. i want to feel carefree and young again, which i haven't felt in a long time and i fear that i am growing up into a boring 20 something year old. i've always been this way. in high school, i never felt included, as many friends as i had. everyone has that one special bond- i never have that best friend or boyfriend to give me the simple attention that i want. i hate that i require attention- not much, just a simple one-on-one conversation. i don't feel complete in groups. other's words are overpowering. a lot of my friends that see me on a regular basis SEE this side of me, which is embarrassing, but at the same time, i'd rather them see ME, than have me hiding in my room with no one to talk to about the problems i can't even explain in words. so i require attention, which scares me. i don't want to be a chore to those around me. i don't want to be on their to-do checklist for their day. it isn't fair for anyone to walk on eggshells around me. i just don't know what to do. as i said above, this transparent problem has been with me since high school...i don't know if i should have dealt with it then, maybe seeking counseling, but i assumed all my faults would grow out as my bones grew up. that didn't happen. i'm the same person i've always been. happy, sad/ loud, quiet.

the most uncomfortable thought is that i will wake up tomorrow and have a great day. i mean, great days are good to have, but but where do these thoughts and feelings go on the good days?

p.s. i wore a thong today. a thong that nikki lipske gave me in 11th grade for christmas, a tuesday thong that once belonged with the rest of the week.
p.p.s. i will never wear a thong again.

no papers, only silvers

although i get out of my house fairly often, tonight was my first official time going out to get my face around to get really rediciously famous. my personal agent and friend, lesley, told me i have to get my face around town, so i can conquer atlanta, before i move on to bigger and better. i hung out with some kids from new hampshire every day for a week last summer, and they came to town to play a show, so of course i went. don't get me wrong- my objective wasn't slowly inching to stardom; i went to see my ole pals, but i still could smell hollywood. who am i kidding? i'll never be famous.

i kinda want to be a singer for a band. friend o lesley, could you teach me to sing instead?

last night i went and hung out with alex darling and bethy. i really like alex, she's staying in atlanta for 3 months, unless she weds an american lad. we ran outside on howell mill to play in the dangerous hurricane flood. i loved life right then and there. i thought i was smart by changing into some of jake's pj clothes so i could get back into my dry clothes afterward. what kind of idiot forgets to take her bra and undies off? this kind of idiot. i spent the rest of our evening in a bathrobe hoping my garments would dry.

there was a very endearing card resting on my bed, waiting for my anxious hands to open it and googley eyes to read it. it was so thoughtful, thank you.
i'm growing happy and learning to be content with what i have.
i get so sad some times because i'm not what i want to be and not where i want to be, but you know what? suck it. because what's the good in waiting to become something when you can be everything you want right now.

car troubles

this darling lady on the right cleaned the house today, and i greatly appreciate it!

i think gas stations are so cool. there is so much to look at, so many strange things to buy. although it's a rare occurance, i enjoy meals from the gas station. when i got off work tonight, i starting laughing so hard when i saw my car. some birds had a pooping party and it all landed on my car. i went to QT and scrubbed it all off with those window wipers, got gas, a hot dog and a chai latte.

when i pulled into the gas station, there was a police car and an ambulance in the parking lot. i asked the clerk what the deal was, and he told me that a guy's car got stolen, and while running after it...he got run over. nothing more than a few cuts and bruises, but dang. getting hit by your own stolen car. has that EVER happened before?

i get to see heath on tuesday! ednesday we are taking a road trip up to south carolina. i'm scheduled to work, but i have a feeling that i will be really sick on wednesday. i've never called out of work as a lie, so i'm real nervous. nicole told me i call a voicemail and just say my shift and that i can't come in. how easy!

church time, excellent.

"sex isn't the answer...only sometimes"

i felt so good this morning because i woke up at 8 am. around 11, i decided it was MY day to shower. capitalizing "my" makes it seem as if my roommates are given a shower schedule, but that is not the case. i hadn't showered in 5 days and my fingernails were getting really dirty from scratching my dirty head so much, that's the real concern at hand. to cancel out waking up way early, i took a naked nap on the couch. that's a first, and it felt so good.



these little mexican suckers are the worst things in the world. benji bought a pack of them for the party* last night. in the middle is a delicious mango sucker, but before you get there, you must torture yourself through 10 minutes of chili pepper. a girl in my drawing class brought them in on the last day of class last year, and I just soaked off all my chili pepper and indulged myself in mango without any regret.

*end of the Year of the Condor** party, ringing in the Year of Silk Sheets: Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken. I predict this year will catch me up on all my missed sleep. we celebrated the new year in a creepy graveyard eating cupcakes.

**if you are an avid Room Raiders watcher, you may have seen the Year of the Condor banner hanging up in the living room of my friend David's Athens apartment. he was the one with the Beavis and Butthead squash art.

yet another reason japanese people should purchase Earth and force us into their ways:

airbrushed see-through skirts. little japanese boners are popping up everywhere.

mr. chaffin & the bush

I really love my dad so much. He's someone to really look up to. At prospect, the church I grew up in, he plays a big part in the youth group. He's the cool chaperone on all the choir tours. I'm so proud that my dad is the cool one. He always shows his 3 daughters all the love and affection he can give, which is especially appreciated by me, since my mom and I don't have any affection with one another. I am just happy to sit next to her. heaven's prospectors (the youth choir I sang and toured with for 7 years) sang at prospect this morning. I was so happy because these kids are doing the right thing. Their hearts are for the lord and they are going around the country singing about it. it sounds super cheesy, but it's very powerful. This one girl in the choir sang "I can only imagine" and I've never heard a girl that age sing with such "buh-bam." I was just waiting for her to grab the mike pole and go nuts with it. haha. She was real good.

yesterday was casey mcbride's birthday and he had a huge celebration at the cracker barrel. our waitress was ON TOP OF THINGS, for once. after my last sip of sweet tea, i'd look up and she'd have a pitcher ready for me. the lord knows how much I love sweet tea. scottie sat next to me and we made up a song. "b.o. you mother beeeeeepp" I was trying to sing extraordinarily well because I want him to sign me as his special solo artist on his new record label. i'd fit right in. I just know it. after supper we went over to the boys loft and daniel d. brought out his new projector and screen and we watched zoolander on the porch. it was a strange mix of people hanging out, which is good, because the more the merrier, but I was very concerned with lindsey.

I came to lawrenceville around 3 am and snuck elise out of her house. why couldn't she have lived in l'ville in high school? we lay down in the street and listen to my ipod. it was a beautiful moment.

from the back to the future

i woke up this morning on the flip side of jesse's bed. head to foot. in the sex realm, some may refer to it as a 69. because my back was to his back, it is more like a reverse 69. he and i sat outside talking until the sun was up. unlike most of my late nights, this one was worth saying, "yeah, i'm pretty tired today because i stayed up until 6 am." we talked a lot about moving forward in our christian walks. so many people stand in one place and do nothing to grow closer to the Lord. frankly, i'm frustrated with being that way, and it makes me sad that nearly every christian i know is the same way. we have so much more to live for, but we take grace for granted and do nothing to step forward. through talking with people, i know i'm not alone in my frustrations; many of my friends are sick of standing still and want to get out there.

on a whim, i decided to go 85 North to lawrenceville. i made my usual pit stop to the 21, and spent $70. how can i get the number to the worlds record book, because, darlin', that is a new record. i've been having trouble finding cute tops to fit me, thanks to these ginormous tumors leaching onto my chest. i'm almost certain that larges are getting smaller. large is for big girls, and i am not a big girl. we need small, small and a half, medium, medium and a half, large, large and a half. large breasted women of atlanta need H+M with their 0,2,4,6,8,10,12 tops.

i spent the later part of my afternoon cleaning my closet out. when i moved out of my house, my mom re-did my room with fanciful vintage furniture. all my crap is thrown into my closet, along with a good amount of old art work. i loved looking through everything, and i had no problem tossing things in the trashbag. i came across my note box from 6th grade. i shouldn't have read them, but i let myself.

6th grade was the worst year of my life. i know that it was 10 years ago, but it still chokes me up when i think back on that year. i had two friends. julie and mandi. i was really good friends with both of them and they tag teamed up on me. i wanted to fit in so bad that i would do anything to stay part of the "peace, love and happiness" group. i was that girl who would say "do you like this? i don't." and after hearing their response, i'd say, "well, i don't really like it." julie would go out with all the boys that i had mondo crushes on. she'd write me notes and say "get over it, he likes me. i'll try not to rub it in your face too much." i would pass them notes every day asking if they were mad at me (because they were obviously talking crap about me,) and they'd collaborate on a mean note telling me that i was a brat, annoying, stupid, etc. i'd take it from them, but go to my mom's classroom and escape life. all those things are somewhat normal 6th grade things, but can anyone explain why they lied to the counselor and told her that i was suicidal? NO one wanted to be my friend after that happened.

the notes were so hard to read. i was embarrassed for letting myself be THAT girl. for putting up with it. thankfully, i like myself now...and last i heard, julie was real fat.

u;n feeling it

hellllllooooo world.
tonight a bunch of friends from lawrenceville came down and we went to apre diem...however it is spelled. i know i don't drink that much but i can claim "my favorite drink" now, and that would be red bull and vodka.

i've been kinda down lately, but i can feel myself getting better. i get really sad because my younger sister is able to have boyfriends for years at a time, and a lot of my close friends are engaged or close to it...and here i am, single for two years. sometimes, i let myself feel that something is wrong with me...but that is just dumb of me to think. nothing is wrong with me at all. God is just saving me from heartbreak due to little wastes of time.

leah and chris day moved to atlanta. it really makes me so happy. leah is the kind of friend i crave. i can completely let myself shine around her. i have a lot of friends, but only a handfull or two i can truly love and be myself around. those are the ones i hold dearest to my heart and feel safe around. the rest are just people are just surfaces that i haven't uncovered and probably never will. today leah, chris, mick and i drove all over the flashing stoplights of atlanta. seriously, all the lights from east atlanta to howell mill rd we flashing yellow and red. what happened? we spent a great deal of time looking for the perfect windsuits for my party on saturday. i found one that is exactly what i want. sadly, it's only a jacket, but the jacket will suffice for any pants i pick up tomorrow. american pride, baby.

i have no idea what i'm really saying right now. i'll read her in the morning.
i stay up too late every night and it kills me. i feel it's wrath all day long.

take another...bitch

i had a long day of work today after a late night. i did pretty well with sales though which helped me make goal for the week. i've been slacking off so much at benefit lately. i have no desire to do anything, i just sit behind the counter and call girls and family members. all girls love talking on the phone. two random teenage girls saved my job tonight. see, macy's requires employees to sell 3 credit cards a month, and after a few months, if you aren't making your credit goal, you are sent to
"credit counseling" (I KNOW, tell me about it!) and after counseling, if you still aren't making your goal, you can get terminated. i'm completely against selling credit- hello, i sell make-up. if a person wants a card, they will ask for one. these girls came up to the counter and said "we want to get credit cards!" i hung up the phone with lesley and saved my job.

this woman walking around cosmetics today wore the most ridiculous outfit. she was rather horizontally challenged, but didn't stop herself from wearing tight white pants and a white sheer tunic, unveiling her white bra and mountainous back rolls. like a freaking brat, i wanted to see what she looked like, and i was welcomed by her nipple hanging out her small bra, which was completely visible, mind you, because of her sheer shirt. i could not help but run away and laugh. this girl at the chanel counter kinda snapped at me and told me to go tell her her nipple was hanging out. you don't understand, confrontation like that is impossible for me. i could walk up to her, but words would not come out of my mouth. for starters, no girl likes to be told what to do, and i got really upset with her. but then, i got really upset with myself for doubting myself. what was really stopping me from helping that lady out? i can't really blame my personality. regaurdless, that woman would be more embarrassed if i told her. at some point in her shopping trip, it's bound to pop back into place.

i bought a new journal yesterday. i am really excited about the journal journey. the one i've been using for the past 3 years is filled with pain and petty complaints about past relationships. every time i open it up to write in it, some magical power possesses my thoughts, which influences me to bring out the negative. i'm putting that one away for good. i don't want to look back on my writings and only remember the bad things that come few and far between. i am hoping to write in this journal almost daily or weekly, with the boring to the blessings. it will, hopefully, be a better depiction of my life as i know it.

touch of class

last night was real good. skye and i wanted to eat somewhere new, and i remembered this sweet lady that i "perked up" a few weeks ago. she was in town with her husband who comes monthly to get something done to his spine. they were a really sweet couple. she had a stroke last year which caused her memory to be short. her husband looked at her so sweetly when she spoke and forgot things. i loved them and i hope they are doing well. anyway, they were talking about how much they loved the Atlanta Diner, and i specifically remember them mentioning the great tasting grits. raised in the south, i base my views on a diner by the taste of their grits. lesley met up with us and we had a great time full of "oh no he didn'ts!" and just so you know, the grits were better than the lady led me to believe. and let me tell you-i'm feeling it today.

rami called and told me to meet him at the majestic. i walk in and see spencer. 5 months ago i would have turned right back around and gone home. but now we have been civil with one another, and we have really good conversations online. i sat down with rami and faith, pretending i hadn't seen him...cool, i know, but that's what everyone does. i notice he's sliding down in his booth so i wont spot him but then he walks over and says to check the text message he sent me. it was talking about how f-ing gross faith is. i'm sorry, but that is so rude. who does that?! she's my friend and also happens to be sitting right in front of me. what was i supposed to say when rami and faith ask what the message said?

i fell asleep in rami's bed last night and had the strangest dreams. in one of them, ro, zach and i painted his den black. we painted a crappy high contrast mural of us dressed up like hardcore cowboys. you know the look, black white and myspacesque. we didn't want any of his roommates to know it was us, even though they could make out who was pictured in the mural.

i'm getting my hair colored lighter tomorrow! i'm going to vidal sassoon because it will be free. it's pretty dumb of me to go back to them after they seriously messed up my hair last summer and left me looking like a dyke. i was told that they wont be cutting my hair, just coloring. i love the length it has gotten, and i can't wait for it to get even longer.

this week has been full of girl party fun. lindsey has been staying with us and ro is home from the beach. oh do i love an estrogen filled house.

the road trip starts in T minus 2 days. i've got my sunglasses and starbucks cups packed. k?

basketball gum

benji told me about a basketball player having a bubble yum flavor, and i couldn't believe it. i went to walmart and bought a pack of basketball gum. it's actually really good. tastes like lemonade and rubber, a strange mix, but a keeper. now how does this nobody get a gum named after him, while others are struggling to be famous?

the storm is over!

nicole and i talked everything out at work. i know it's not the most appropriate of times to have a mondo discussion, but we stood 4 feet apart from one another for 2 hours and didn't say a word. it was the most uncomfortable i had ever been.i came back from my break and just popped the question; i'm certain i broke a sound barrier out in the bermuda triangle when i cracked the silence. we talked about it for nearly two hours, being stopped by makeup questions. neither one of us sold as much as we should have for a saturday, but that was the least of my concerns. i'm glad we talked about it and it went very well. the conclusion is that she's aware of her selfishness and expects a lot from me, while i act and eat like a child and want more attention from her in our friendship. i think we are going to try to have a weekly "talk-out" where we just talk about what is going on in our lives, what happened that week, our feelings, and if something annoyed us about each other, we address it then...that way, we will be in a comfortable setting, making it easier to say and hear constructive criticism. i think this is the best solution yet, because i would love to know what goes on in her life and i'd like her to know my daily struggles to famehood. plans such as these usually happen twice and then die off...but i'm going to strive to make it routine.

i'm at my parent's house right now. morgan had a sister party last night in her room and made invitations that said:

parta over here

parta over there

parta everywhere

the theme is: get er done

we didn't "get er done", instead, we sang kelly clarkston really obnoxiously, and then i spent the rest of her parta begging for these sad eye cat and dog prints that were at my grandfather's house. i've wanted those prints since i was younger, and she took them from my stack of "i'm taking this" when we cleaned up his house. she wont even trade them for my old computer! what a bimbo.

my father can be described as "Brookstone" and possibly "Sharper Image." if only the rest of us could be summed up in a store's name, we'd be on our way to world peace. he's actually annoyingly precautious of anything that plugs in or has a dock. to much surprise, he JUST NOW got a digital camera. the man is like the president of the clark howard fan club, but somehow he went wrong with his digital camera choice, resulting in possible impeachment. the camera wont even load onto the computer correctly. one thing i do like is that it takes excellent clear videos with sound. lesley, he made a video of me being the grudge, which is quite impressive.

keep on livin la vida loca!

zombies attack

maaaan, life freaking rules. so often i forget that, getting involved in the pointless drama girls hold in their brains. it doesn't bother me that nicole and i havent spoken since the throw my books at my door "i'm sick of your shit" incident. although i felt so disrespected, i feel as if i have the upper hand with this one. yes, eventually i will have a sit down talk with her about this house..but i wont let that event hinder me from laughing and smiling. i've just learned that i can't be good friends with everyone.

last night reminded me that life is for living, so live it up. kyle ro and i refused to sit around, so we went to kroger as active members of a fictional cult. we binged on "neopoleon" ice cream sandwiches, and had a monumental dance party in the parking lot, throwing out our good moves and bringing in the cheese. it lasted for hours, and when i rained, we lied on the ground and soaked up the rain. it was so beautiful. there was a moment where i forgot about the world and just lived and breathed and thanked the Lord.

so often i wish i were beautiful, the way they are. the way guys look at them and talk to them like angels. i constantly remind myself that it is just a face and those things are petty. every girl struggles with her body and facial appearance, as pretty as we might see them. i've got to stop worrying about this crap because once i do, i'll enjoy so much more in life.

Christy's pregnant with twins from two different men!

oh summer, where art thou? i think about you often. i look forward to you more than i ever have before. all my summers in the past have been really stressful, either driving an hour to see my boyfriend without my parent's knowledge (i was young!!) or driving to atlanta every day for work and living out of a suitcase from friend to friend's place. but now, i'm here with my own home and i can do whatever i want, whenever i want.

few early plans on the list: plan windsuit party. paint portraits.

i've noticed a change in my behavior around others. i've been so quiet lately, and i'm an easy target to get my feelings hurt. believe me, i hate it more than i let on. i know it's not humanly possible, but i would like to keep a constant happiness. i'd like to place the blame on daily routine and the daily faces. i know where my real problem is, i don't spend the time i need to with God. i know the impact he has on our lives and our happiness, but i'm so lazy to do anything about it. i forget all my troubles when i'm with Him.

i'm really excited about the upcoming trip to mississippi. lesley and i in the car, what could be better than that? i love her so much (i know you are reading this, and frankly, i don't give a care). she's the kinda gal i will always feel comfortable around, she's so welcoming and loving. and she fills me in on all the celebrity gossip. pretty soon, she'll tell YOU all about my gossip. i'll get to see sam's mom. she rules and calls me a slut. and heath! heath and all his mississipian glory. i'm going to take him out for his birthday, i do believe. i never treat anyone to anything, but i should start doing it more often. it makes ya feel good, i'm assuming.

i love my mac, day 4.

Christy spotted at a walmart in south georgia..

...you know what i heard? she has a secret lover who works on a farm. eww!

everyone knows about livejournal; i don't feel the need to express my feelings towards my many states of life. that stuff is for close friends anyway, not weezerlvr87 from new jersey. i really don't know what i'll end up writing in here that can't be said in email or face to face, but i'm willing to take the journey. who knows, i might meet my future husband on blogger.commer! hey baby!

lately i feel like nicole doesn't care to like me. lately? almost the whole time we've lived together, i feel so distant from her. she'll make me mad and i say something to a stone face. nothing ever changes. her stupid dog ripped up my grandmother's couch. i cried, i talked to her twice about how upset i was...and she said nothing but "sorry." he can eat my bra, poop in my bathroom everyday, eat my make up and japanese doll, but he is not allowed to eat my couch. i guess i shouldn't fabricate the damage done. the couch is still in sitting order- he just ripped up all the ends to the back cushions and chewed up a pen on it. am i wrong for expecting her to pay me? i know it can't be recovered, but money should be bestowed/bequethed (they are both so great, i put 'em to use!) upon thy self. it's hard for me to remember that everyone's morals aren't like mine.